gotta make it over the hill

I think that relationships with others tend to follow a path or course. Well mine do at least. First it starts with not really caring at all about you. I don’t really anticipate our relationship ending up anywhere – I half expect you to forget me the next time we meet. So I’m like, whatever. But then, a friendship emerges. Jokes develop. A more casual and comfortable conversation emerges where I don’t have to think too hard about what the next topic will be because it develops naturally. Then I realize I really like who you are. I enjoying spending time with you. I’m having so much fun, we have all these jokes, and I feel like we’re just clicking. There’s this period where it feels awesome because I just made this great new friend. Unfortunately it’s after this phase that insecurity usually sets it. I realize just how much I like this person and how much it would really suck if I lost that friendship. Then I start to fear I’m being needy, or if I’m saying something inappropriate, or if I’m dominating the conversation. Am I talking about myself too much? Am I asking to hang out too much? Am I boring them? Once you get past that phase, it’s great. Once I make it past the insecure phase it means that we’ve reached this level where we’re comfortable with each other and I’m secure in the knowledge that I won’t be losing it anytime soon. That’s the best part, for me at least.

This year, mainly this semester I feel like, my friend Theory and I have become closer and closer friends. I realize that I can discuss things with her I’d never consider telling others and she’ll actually listen. I’ve told her some personal stuff. But we also joke around all the time and we’re these angry Asian feminists together. I love it. But I’m at that insecure phase, which sucks. Once you realize how much a person means to you, you realize how it could hurt if it ended or you realize that it’s not mutual. There are no DTR conversations for best friends! I mostly worry that I’m not listening to her as well as she listens to me. But I’m so grateful that she’s been there for me these past few months. It wasn’t always this smooth – things were going a little rough those first few months of the semester back from summer. I was pretty low during those times. But I know now that I can talk to Theory, more so than anyone else. If you don’t count my ex-boyfriend, I haven’t had a best friend since 6th grade. So I think I’m just trying to find my bearings. I’m so closed up; not many people even make it to the second part, much less the last one. Not a quality I’m proud of, but damnit, you sure as hell mean something to me when you get there and you’ll have my steadfast loyalty.

mixed signals

So here’s the deal. I am a young woman trying to make her way in the world.

I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to fuck up every now and then, and pretty bad sometimes.

I’m going to change my mind as I acquire new information. Go ahead, call me a flip-flopper. I’ll even contradict myself. I’m not going to make sense.

I’ll be whiney and bitchy, nice and sweet. I’ll be both open and narrow minded. I’m going to be repressive and hold grudges. I’m going to complain, but also praise.

I am going to stand with my two feet firmly planted on the ground and keep my chin up. I am not going to be ashamed for my values, beliefs and viewpoint. I’m tired of expressing myself, only to feel like an idiot. My opinions are JUST as valuable and valid as yours.

There will be days where I’ll feel secure and perhaps even more days I’ll feel insecure. There are days I’ll feel fat and ugly, then there’ll be days where I’ll be pissed that I’m being made to feel ashamed of my appearance.

“I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,

I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world.”

I won’t allow myself to be silenced, by me or anyone else.

a net

So I think I’ve finally made a decision.

Dad visited and stayed for a few hours. We ate, talked, discussed life. He is currently on a sort of self-help kick right now. Usually when you hear the phrase “self-help” you just kind of roll your eyes, and at first I sort of did too. But if you knew my dad and then saw some of the changes in him, you’d roll your eyes right back into place. It’s nice to hear him being more positive now. Many of the things he’s struggling with, I am too and it’s nice to know that we can relate on that level. He’s very open about it and I think really eager to have an audience and I’m probably one of the more receptive ears.

He doesn’t think I should quit after a bad day, and on some level I do agree. I do admit that on some level I am giving in to fear. I still think of driving that bus and my chest clenches. My dad is worried that if I let myself quit now, it’ll be easier next time to quit. He also says that I’m stuck in this negative mindset of “I can’t,” and that is very very true. I’m still in it.

Despite it all, I think I am going to go into that building tomorrow and inform them that I don’t think bus driving is the job for me. Basically, I’m quitting. Honestly, walking in there and telling them that takes a hell of a lot of courage from me. Usually in these type of situations I just quit showing up or avoid them and try to never see them again or I try to tell them in any form of communication besides face to face. Face to face involves questions like, “Why? What’s wrong? What if we did this…?” It requires standing firm in your decision and expressing myself well, something I am not good at. Knowing that in the morning I will have to walk up to that building and talk to the sups face to face scares me as well.

So i don’t know if this is cheating, but can’t I just say that this is one form of challenging myself? I may be quitting bus driving, but I am forcing myself to express myself and not resort to faceless communication. Can that count?

Honestly, I’m going to feel like a crummy failure no matter what. Dad keeps trying to help me think more positively, but that is damn hard to do. But I have one positive thing about this experience and that would be my conversations with my mom and dad. Knowing that they are there for me in a way I never knew.

I know though that I will be beating myself up all night and tomorrow and for the rest of the year. But I’ll try to then remind myself of the positive of the situation and help start to rethink things.

augment

I am currently training to be a bus driver for my university.

Today was a really shitty day and a large part of me is considering quitting.

Right now, just the thought of getting back on a bus and driving down streets fills me with terror and I feel like water is rushing up around me. All the fear goes straight to my chest.

Nothing traumatic happened, but I just had such a hard time today trying to turn, back and just drive in general. Me and the trainer got a bit snarky at different points, which didn’t help things.

Dad says I shouldn’t quit. Mom says that it’s my decision and that it won’t change who I am. She says I won’t be a failure if I decided that this is not the route (get it?) for me. Dad says that if I quit this time, it’ll make quitting easier next time and that I can’t let failure keep me back.

I could go into a discussion of how interesting it is on the sides they’ve taken, but I won’t. I can see both sides and it’s these sides that are pulling me back and forth. Maybe this really isn’t for me. How do you know? How do you know when being a pussy versus being honest?

I have seriously been crying for hours. Ever since I got home from training. I know my faults. I get hung up on my mistakes and can’t look past them. It ruins my whole day. I also tend to blow these things out of proportion. I try to keep telling myself that everyone makes mistakes and has problems during training, but that sort of comfort only gets you so far. Right now my morale is down so low.

I will say this, whether I eventually decide to quit or see it through, I will have learned one thing from this ordeal. There are days when I feel like no one has my back. No one will support me, least of all my parents. I know they love me, but it’s always been hard to relate to them when I’m having a problem. But what I did was call my dad and he was really supportive. He’s actually coming to visit me. And mom was actually much nicer and supportive than I ever expected.

Just don’t call me Ariel

So I’ve been kind of neglecting these poor dancers lately. I’ve been writing in my Moleskine more frequently. There is some family drama going on every now and then, and I usually feel uncomfortable writing so much about others on here. Like it’s an invasion of their privacy.

I think overall I’ve become far more cynical towards people. Pessimistic. Some see the meeting of new people as an opportunity to hear a new story, make a new friend, help someone. Me, all I see is the awkward stalls in the conversation, the meaningless small talk, the shallow compliments. “Oh that top is so cute,” only goes so far.

Honestly, I think deep down I view meeting new people as the opportunity for these people to hurt me. The sensible, practical thing to do would be to just let it all go. Get over it, accept that people hurt you and stop nursing it deep within your chest as proof of how the world has done you wrong. There’s this quote from The Secret Life of Bees. “In a weird way I must have loved my little collection of hurts and wounds. They provided me with some real nice sympathy, with the feeling I was exceptional.”

On other note, I got my hair dyed red. Not bold red, but red enough. My goal for this summer is to not only be fairly productive (so far I’m doing a pretty good job at that), but also try to shake up my look. This is partially a backlash to my university. My school feels so homogenous – everyone wears the same preppy collared shirts and summer dresses and such and that’s fine. They are allowed to wear what they like. But I started to feel this pressure to dress like them. It was never a vocal pressure – no one was telling me that my look was wrong, but the pressure was there anyway. Now that I’ve gotten a breather from that atmosphere, I can look at what I actually like and enjoy it. And for now, that is my red hair.

don’t sweat

So I’ve been home nearly a week and I haven’t caught my breath yet. I’ve worked nearly everyday since I’ve been home, unpacked, cleaned and I’m still not done.

I think I often have to deal with the shock of a structureless existence once school ends, but it seems to have hit pretty hard this summer. I work for my mother, which means I don’t really get a schedule. I find out the day before (sometimes day of) that I’m going to work, and I can’t handle it! I am constantly planning things in my mind, trying to anticipate what is going to happen today, tomorrow, later this week. Things like, well I don’t need to wash the sheets today because I can do them on Tuesday. Then I find out I have to work or do something else, and it disrupts my so carefully laid plans.

The sad thing is that these aren’t even important plans. So why does it matter so much? I’m thinking it all goes back to control. I have truly realized the extent of my need for control this past week. I scare myself.

Also, I just freak out over the small things. Itsy bitsy, meaningless, insignificant details. While my friends tell me about how they are worried about grades, their major, their future jobs and I just don’t care all too much. I do care, but I just don’t allow myself to dissect it all, or else I think I just might have a complete breakdown. I think part of it is that when I was younger I would worry myself until I was sick over these sort of things. About my family, about the divorce, finances, future, everyone’s well being, happiness. I was getting crushed by it all.

Somewhere along the way I just quit caring. Self preservation, perhaps.

Lost an oar

Do you ever read over old entries and just feel like a loser? Perhaps that’s just the chance you have to take with confessing your soul to the vast and empty internet.

Rarely do I ever re-read my entries. I’m not sure exactly why. Sometimes I get so embarrassed because when I’m writing I’m so emotional that all I am is in the NOW, so once I’m past it all and once again rational, I feel a little bit silly for being upset.

Perhaps I still can’t face myself and that’s why I can’t read my old entries.

As a result I am usually unable to look at myself very objectively. I can’t tell if I’ve changed and if so, how much and how so. If all this time I’ve been writing, trying to figure out my life and the inner workings of my soul, if nothing’s changed, or worse, things have haven’t progressed but rather regressed, then what’s the point? Why continue?

I remember how I used to write about how no matter the situation I would always remain the slightest hopeful, still thinking things will work out in the end. I thought that would be my curse – always being hopeful and then wind up ever disappointed.

I think my hope has diminished even more so now than in the past. A part of me gave up. Gave in.

Stab

It’s amazing how you can wake up and expect the day to be like any other day. You have no idea what lies ahead in the upcoming hours. You go about your business, keeping a mental tally of the day’s assignments, trying to figure out what needs to be done tonight and what can wait until tomorrow.

No work got done today.

My friend, I used to use the nickname Drama for her, she IM’s me to say hello. We do small talk. I kind of think this is unusual because although we used to be close, we haven’t spoken on AIM lately. Anyway, she then lays the bomb on me. She proceeds to tell me that she and my ex-boyfriend started liking each other. She didn’t want to blind side me, which is why she told me, and she’s really sorry and hopes we can still be friends.

Oh, if we could all have such dreams! Let’s all betray our friends, hurt them, then apologize and still be friends. We could even double date!

I didn’t say much of a response. Something of the lines of how crappy she made me feel then told her goodnight.

I then run to the bathroom and start crying in the stalls, because where else can a girl go to cry in a dorm? Poor me, I was seriously bawling. My friend texted me with more apologies and about how she hates the fact that she hurt me. I lay it on her this time. Inserting a few f-bombs, I tell her that I don’t care that she feels guilty. I’m not going to say anything to help her alleviate her guilt because I don’t care. I’m not going to make her feel better, comfort her hurt feelings. I also told her that I was just sick of crying of my ex and that I just wanted them to let me live my life. No texts, no IMs, no calls. Luckily she has thus complied.

Then the story gets even crazier. Her roommate sends me a message about how Drama is crying and upset, that I shouldn’t ruin a friendship over this. She tells me that I’m not being empathetic enough and that I should think about HER feelings. She tells me that Drama was hurt before and now may be hurt for a while FOR NO REASON.

I didn’t answer, but my roommate chose to do so. She sent a message to her as my roommate. I am grateful for her. She was so pissed on my behalf and it felt so good to have someone on my side.

So that was the drama of my night. Oh dear. I’m going to try my best to just erase them all from my life. Yes, it took guts for her to tell me, and if I’m honest with myself I am glad I was told. Guess it gave me time to prepare. But I’m still not going to do anything relieve her guilt because I don’t think she deserves it. My ex and I dated for years; she even effing told me that we were the reason she believed in true love. Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but friends ex-boyfriends are kind of off-limits. But hey, that’s just me. Maybe this is true love and they’re going to get married and have lots of babies. If so, good for them. I just hope they keep in mind that 1)my ex wanted to marry me, and 2)she’s planned on marrying quite a few of her exes.

What also gets me is that Drama and I hung out over spring break and they had to have been somewhat involved during that time. How could you do that? How could she even look at me? And also lately my ex has been IMing and texting me out of the blue. Luckily I never got my hopes too high and never expected anything to come out of it. But what the hell? Why treat me like that then shit on me?

I feel like I’ve spent so long giving. I’m just so tired now. I don’t have much to give. I can’t be happy for her. I just can’t. I can’t give her my blessing. I can’t even give myself much time to see her point of view. It’s just….I’m tired.

Fish

This is going to sound horrible, but there are times where I feel practically worthless. Times where I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to interact with people because I feel like I bring out the worth in others or only show them my worst side. Sometimes I genuinely feel like some of these people would be better off not having known me. When I get like this, I don’t understand why people can stand me. I feel like a poison to others.

Sociology

So, I have a butt load of work to do for school, but instead I’m here. Priorities!

Returning back to school from spring break was rough. I was only gone for a week, but all of last week I just did not feel like doing anything – so basically that’s what I did. Now I’m paying for it now. If it’s taken me this long to get back into the swing of things, what is it going to be like once I return from summer break (which is in less than two months).

We register for classes in a couple of weeks and I’ve decided my major is sociology. I truly love it and even the readings are usually enjoyable for me. I’m sure I drive my friends crazy because I’m always telling them things I learn in class and in readings. I find it all so interesting and I tend to share things I find interesting – too bad not everyone shares my opinion of what’s interesting. But sociology it is. I’m excited about it, but I’ve found one thing.

I tend to hesitate when I tell people I want to be a sociology major. In fact, I usually tell them, “I’m not sure what my major is yet, but I’m thinking about sociology.” I’m not really thinking; I’ve pretty much known for a while, even if I’ve denied. But when I tell people about my intended major I feel the instant need to defend my choice. Sociology doesn’t have nearly the same prestige or importance as say business or physics or economics. People almost always ask, “What are you going to do with that? Teach?” Um, how about be a sociologist? Perhaps? There are many things to do with a sociology major than just teach. What good is a subject if the only thing you can do with it is teach. People don’t realize the versatility of majors. For example, if you major in the classics or English you are not limited to teaching. There are many different opportunities for you. Also, your undergraduate major really doesn’t mean much at all. I could major in sociology and end up a janitor or the CEO of a company.

I love my sociology class and it has made me more aware and knowledgeable about social injustice and inequality. I’ve always had a tendency to stick my head in the sand (that’s a whole other entry where we can talk about that) when it comes issues, but the more aware I am of it, the more I realize that I want my life to mean something. I want to do good. Right now I’m not satisfied with a life where I get a regular 40-hour a week job, get married, have a house in the suburbs and have a few kids, shuffle them from dance class to soccer practice, then come home. I want my life to amount to more than just increasing the world population. I think I can use sociology to help. If I don’t become a sell out first in order to pay the bills and, you know, eat.