a net

So I think I’ve finally made a decision.

Dad visited and stayed for a few hours. We ate, talked, discussed life. He is currently on a sort of self-help kick right now. Usually when you hear the phrase “self-help” you just kind of roll your eyes, and at first I sort of did too. But if you knew my dad and then saw some of the changes in him, you’d roll your eyes right back into place. It’s nice to hear him being more positive now. Many of the things he’s struggling with, I am too and it’s nice to know that we can relate on that level. He’s very open about it and I think really eager to have an audience and I’m probably one of the more receptive ears.

He doesn’t think I should quit after a bad day, and on some level I do agree. I do admit that on some level I am giving in to fear. I still think of driving that bus and my chest clenches. My dad is worried that if I let myself quit now, it’ll be easier next time to quit. He also says that I’m stuck in this negative mindset of “I can’t,” and that is very very true. I’m still in it.

Despite it all, I think I am going to go into that building tomorrow and inform them that I don’t think bus driving is the job for me. Basically, I’m quitting. Honestly, walking in there and telling them that takes a hell of a lot of courage from me. Usually in these type of situations I just quit showing up or avoid them and try to never see them again or I try to tell them in any form of communication besides face to face. Face to face involves questions like, “Why? What’s wrong? What if we did this…?” It requires standing firm in your decision and expressing myself well, something I am not good at. Knowing that in the morning I will have to walk up to that building and talk to the sups face to face scares me as well.

So i don’t know if this is cheating, but can’t I just say that this is one form of challenging myself? I may be quitting bus driving, but I am forcing myself to express myself and not resort to faceless communication. Can that count?

Honestly, I’m going to feel like a crummy failure no matter what. Dad keeps trying to help me think more positively, but that is damn hard to do. But I have one positive thing about this experience and that would be my conversations with my mom and dad. Knowing that they are there for me in a way I never knew.

I know though that I will be beating myself up all night and tomorrow and for the rest of the year. But I’ll try to then remind myself of the positive of the situation and help start to rethink things.

augment

I am currently training to be a bus driver for my university.

Today was a really shitty day and a large part of me is considering quitting.

Right now, just the thought of getting back on a bus and driving down streets fills me with terror and I feel like water is rushing up around me. All the fear goes straight to my chest.

Nothing traumatic happened, but I just had such a hard time today trying to turn, back and just drive in general. Me and the trainer got a bit snarky at different points, which didn’t help things.

Dad says I shouldn’t quit. Mom says that it’s my decision and that it won’t change who I am. She says I won’t be a failure if I decided that this is not the route (get it?) for me. Dad says that if I quit this time, it’ll make quitting easier next time and that I can’t let failure keep me back.

I could go into a discussion of how interesting it is on the sides they’ve taken, but I won’t. I can see both sides and it’s these sides that are pulling me back and forth. Maybe this really isn’t for me. How do you know? How do you know when being a pussy versus being honest?

I have seriously been crying for hours. Ever since I got home from training. I know my faults. I get hung up on my mistakes and can’t look past them. It ruins my whole day. I also tend to blow these things out of proportion. I try to keep telling myself that everyone makes mistakes and has problems during training, but that sort of comfort only gets you so far. Right now my morale is down so low.

I will say this, whether I eventually decide to quit or see it through, I will have learned one thing from this ordeal. There are days when I feel like no one has my back. No one will support me, least of all my parents. I know they love me, but it’s always been hard to relate to them when I’m having a problem. But what I did was call my dad and he was really supportive. He’s actually coming to visit me. And mom was actually much nicer and supportive than I ever expected.

Language Barrier

It really bothers me when my mom speaks Korean to me when there are other Asians around. When she’s with her friends, or my friend Theory, who is Korean. When it’s just us, Mom speaks some Korean, but mostly English because I don’t speak Korean. But then all the sudden the Korean switch gets turned on. It feels like she’s trying to embarrass me, or that she’s embarrassed that I don’t speak Korean. It feels like she’s showing off.

I hate it. It all feels so fake.

sometimes I’m still scared when I’m home alone and I hear a noise upstairs

So I have two quizzes on Monday, one quiz on Tuesday, essay due Tuesday, exam Thursday, another essay due the following Monday, and my final exam that Thursday.

Theory totally gave me the cold shoulder yesterday. I could feel the coolness blowing from her. Even Bear noticed. She was really sweet about it, because she’s been on the receiving end of one of Theory’s cold shoulders. Maybe I should care more, but honestly it just makes me mad. I don’t feel like trying to cheer her up, trying to joke around when all I’ll get is a cold reception. Of course, that just prolongs the entire process. She’s probably pissed at me now that I’m becoming a bus driver.

I should probably explain that a little bit. My school has a university transit system and they are always needing drivers. Theory decided she wanted to work as a bus driver next year, so she signed up. This sparked me so sign up too, so next fall I will hopefully be a bus driver for the university. That is, if I pass my CDL test. Now since she’s all pissed at me, I’m starting to wonder if she’s a little upset that I chose to drive buses like her. She can be picky like that sometimes (but so can we all). Today we haven’t talked much. We’re mostly in our rooms working.

I’ll be honest, whenever I used to hear college kids complain about finals, I thought they were just whining and should get over it. Oh boy, was I so very wrong.

That being said, I might be back to hating my sister again.

Mom called me today and asked me if I knew this one girl who went to my high school. We graduated together, but had a total of one or two classes together. I ask why she wants to know, and she drops this bomb on me.

“She’s moving in with her today.”

I was so fucking pissed when I heard that. Mom was so upset and hurt. I didn’t know what to say, and all I wanted to do was scream at my sister. Well she’s eighteen now, I guess she can do whatever the hell she wants.

I’m not really so mad that she moved out. I am mad because I really don’t think she can handle not having a mommy to fall back on. I don’t think she is mature enough, and half expect her to either come crawling back, or harass Mom for money or some other shit. I’m sure we can all guess what my reaction would be if she tried calling me up.

My sister and Mom had all these plans for her to go to school in the Philippines. I’m not sure why exactly, but whatever. At least she was going to go to school. Mom even bought her a dog for her birthday (I wonder who’s keeping it. I kind of hope Mom is.). I’m so mad because she is hurting Mom. I’m sick and tired of her causing my mother so much pain with her selfishness. I won’t be able to forgive her for hurting Mom.

I’m not even sure of the situation surrounding the moving out. Was it a calm declaration, “Mom, I’m eighteen now and I want to move out.” Or was it after a huge fight (over something stupid, probably)? I don’t know. Mom was at work and she didn’t give me the details.

I’m going home next weekend and it’s difficult to imagine her not living there. Honestly, a large chunk of me expects her to come back within a week because things like happen in my house. She just has never been of legal age before to where she could act on her threats. But if she doesn’t come home I wonder if that will make things worse or better. Maybe worse because she lacks a great deal of maturity and discipline, but maybe better because they’ll fight less, so their relationship will improve. I don’t know.

In sociology I learned that now children no longer provide financial benefits to parents. In fact, they result in tremendous costs – school supplies, girl scout fees, braces, the new gizmo that they just have to have, tuition costs. If children are so damn expensive, why in the world do we still have them?

Apparently nowadays they provide parents with emotion benefits that are priceless. You can’t put a price tag on love.

I just don’t know.

small surprises

I always find myself a little bit shocked when my mother is in a good mood. When she’s happy and joking around, I feel the slightest bit lighter. Something feels a little off and I have to figure out what it is. Then I realize it’s my mom smiling and laughing and joking around and being silly.

what I want

Writing the first entry is always stressful. I’m not quite sure what to say, so I may as well start in the middle, right where I am right now.

I finished my Christmas shopping today. I caved and got my sister a present, even though I swore up and down and to anyone who’d listen that I wouldn’t. I still don’t think she deserves a gift, but I keep imagining Christmas morning and her not getting a gift from me. It is just wrong and I expect better of myself. But I’m not a totally good person and to diffuse some of the gift giving responsibilities I got a joint persent with my cousin. Perhaps it is one more way to distance myself from my sister.

What I don’t get is how she has everyone totally and completely wrapped around her finger. She can do just about anything, and after a while people end up caving and forgiving her. It’s probably because she is so forward with her misery. She doesn’t try to hide it. When she’s mad, you know. Same as when she’s sad or wants something. But you know what? She usually gets what she wants.

What does that mean? What does it mean that a total brat can get when she wants because she asks for it, while me, a fairly well-behaved person who waits never really gets anything. Or when I do ask for something, I just feel guilty all over. Who is better off? Should I start behaving like my sister then? Everyone seems so concerned with her happiness and wants and life. I think everyone just assumes that I know what the hell I’m doing and that because I don’t stomp around the house I’m okay.