gotta make it over the hill

I think that relationships with others tend to follow a path or course. Well mine do at least. First it starts with not really caring at all about you. I don’t really anticipate our relationship ending up anywhere – I half expect you to forget me the next time we meet. So I’m like, whatever. But then, a friendship emerges. Jokes develop. A more casual and comfortable conversation emerges where I don’t have to think too hard about what the next topic will be because it develops naturally. Then I realize I really like who you are. I enjoying spending time with you. I’m having so much fun, we have all these jokes, and I feel like we’re just clicking. There’s this period where it feels awesome because I just made this great new friend. Unfortunately it’s after this phase that insecurity usually sets it. I realize just how much I like this person and how much it would really suck if I lost that friendship. Then I start to fear I’m being needy, or if I’m saying something inappropriate, or if I’m dominating the conversation. Am I talking about myself too much? Am I asking to hang out too much? Am I boring them? Once you get past that phase, it’s great. Once I make it past the insecure phase it means that we’ve reached this level where we’re comfortable with each other and I’m secure in the knowledge that I won’t be losing it anytime soon. That’s the best part, for me at least.

This year, mainly this semester I feel like, my friend Theory and I have become closer and closer friends. I realize that I can discuss things with her I’d never consider telling others and she’ll actually listen. I’ve told her some personal stuff. But we also joke around all the time and we’re these angry Asian feminists together. I love it. But I’m at that insecure phase, which sucks. Once you realize how much a person means to you, you realize how it could hurt if it ended or you realize that it’s not mutual. There are no DTR conversations for best friends! I mostly worry that I’m not listening to her as well as she listens to me. But I’m so grateful that she’s been there for me these past few months. It wasn’t always this smooth – things were going a little rough those first few months of the semester back from summer. I was pretty low during those times. But I know now that I can talk to Theory, more so than anyone else. If you don’t count my ex-boyfriend, I haven’t had a best friend since 6th grade. So I think I’m just trying to find my bearings. I’m so closed up; not many people even make it to the second part, much less the last one. Not a quality I’m proud of, but damnit, you sure as hell mean something to me when you get there and you’ll have my steadfast loyalty.

another secret

So I have a tiny miniscule crush on the guy who works at the convenience store next to my apartment. Don’t tell.

welcome home

Here’s a secret.

I’m getting really sick of living with my roommate. Sometimes I want to turn to her and say, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t care at all about what you’re telling me. Please, stop talking.”

Next year we won’t be sharing a room. We may not even be living together. I’m looking forward to the break. I never expected us to be lifelong friends anyway.

inhale

Times like now I feel like I’m a few breaths away from falling apart.

don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not

I would like to quickly give an example of why I have difficulty having a real discussion with my roomie.

We got on the topic of Rihanna and how much she likes her music, yada yada yada. I was complaining about how all of her tracks are from the same album and how it’s a rip off that she rereleased the same album, but the new one has a couple of new tracks, basically screwing over fans who bought the first album.

“Yeah, well that’s why you don’t buy music,” was her response.

This is a really trivial example, but it totally exemplifies the communication problem that we have. It’s far too combative. I could probably have a similar conversation with Theory, very similar points, but with a completely different tone. There’s less of a feeling of “Ah ha! Got you there! Whatcha gonna say to that?” and more of a feeling of “Well, I see where you’re coming from, but really we’re just going to have to agree to disagree.” And we do. If I can’t feel comfortable discussing a musician that I don’t even care for all that much, then how am I supposed to talk about more important issues? I sort of have my own rules of engagement and I have various degrees of intimacy. If we can have a pleasant conversation about movies, music, et cetera, then I’m more likely to divulge more and more information.

I know it’s a long and slow process. Trust me, there are plenty of times when I think to myself that I sure as hell wouldn’t go through all that trouble to get to know myself. But I just can’t open up to someone easily and this is the best system I have at the moment.

the director yells…

I wanted to post an update for my 2009 theme, so eloquently summed up with the word “act.”

• Visited my friends before break ended.
• Applied to various locations for a job (about five or six).
• I almost got a job.
• Changed my voicemail (I’ve seriously been meaning to do that for OVER a year).
• Called my great-grandmother on her birthday.
• Played racquetball with Theory (not very well I might add).
• Actually watched the Inaugural Address.
• Started my resume and visited some session that helps you tweak it.
• Visited the school Internship and Job Fair and talked to a few booths.
• Applied to be an intern for the U.S. Census Bureau. I hope to apply to a few others, we’ll see.
• Auditioned to play in the pit for a theater group on grounds (didn’t make it….)
• Visited Korean professor’s office hours to get extra help.
• Wrote and submitted a 750 word essay to a contest/scholarship thingy.
• Learned that I just cannot go to the gym to exercise. I can never seem to get the motivation. I would so much rather exercise in the privacy of my own room. So I’ve been doing that!
• Met with a girl from Korean class to study. We actually spent more time talking than studying.
• Had a two hour long chat with Theory at night in the thirty degree weather.
• Signed up to volunteer for a university sponsored hotline (since I have so much free time from NOT having a job).

True, some of these acts are not particularly amazing or impressive, but it’s all part of an overall theme of more action, so I’m not going to discount any of them. These past few years I’ve been becoming somewhat of a recluse, spending way too much time by myself and in my room.

It’s not always fun because you’re putting yourself out there and opening yourself for failure or discomfort. But so far things that I thought would be uncomfortable aren’t nearly as uncomfortable as I thought they’d be. I would say it has been a success so far and I really hope to continue this.

After reviewing this list it makes me realize that is it stuff like this that makes us who we are. I feel like this is so much more informative and so much more me than some fluffed up resume.

the good old days

I’ve been reading my old hand written journals from middle school and high school. Some of my worries and concerns are laughable/pitiable. Poor me from a few years back.

But what’s really sad is that some entries that I read that are from years ago, really could have been written yesterday. The insecurities, the questions and doubts.

In so many ways I’ve changed, and yet in so many ways I haven’t.

chain yanked

So I kind of sort of thought that I had a job.

Now I find out that I sort of kind of don’t.

Usually I would chalk it up to just misunderstanding the manager, but I don’t think that is the case, at least not fully. The manager was not clear on his intent, which contributed to misunderstanding on my part.

I’m more than a little peeved at the moment. I wish I’d known that nothing was definite so I could have applied elsewhere or signed up for some volunteering positions or done something with that time rather than just wait….and wait…