augment

I am currently training to be a bus driver for my university.

Today was a really shitty day and a large part of me is considering quitting.

Right now, just the thought of getting back on a bus and driving down streets fills me with terror and I feel like water is rushing up around me. All the fear goes straight to my chest.

Nothing traumatic happened, but I just had such a hard time today trying to turn, back and just drive in general. Me and the trainer got a bit snarky at different points, which didn’t help things.

Dad says I shouldn’t quit. Mom says that it’s my decision and that it won’t change who I am. She says I won’t be a failure if I decided that this is not the route (get it?) for me. Dad says that if I quit this time, it’ll make quitting easier next time and that I can’t let failure keep me back.

I could go into a discussion of how interesting it is on the sides they’ve taken, but I won’t. I can see both sides and it’s these sides that are pulling me back and forth. Maybe this really isn’t for me. How do you know? How do you know when being a pussy versus being honest?

I have seriously been crying for hours. Ever since I got home from training. I know my faults. I get hung up on my mistakes and can’t look past them. It ruins my whole day. I also tend to blow these things out of proportion. I try to keep telling myself that everyone makes mistakes and has problems during training, but that sort of comfort only gets you so far. Right now my morale is down so low.

I will say this, whether I eventually decide to quit or see it through, I will have learned one thing from this ordeal. There are days when I feel like no one has my back. No one will support me, least of all my parents. I know they love me, but it’s always been hard to relate to them when I’m having a problem. But what I did was call my dad and he was really supportive. He’s actually coming to visit me. And mom was actually much nicer and supportive than I ever expected.