a net

So I think I’ve finally made a decision.

Dad visited and stayed for a few hours. We ate, talked, discussed life. He is currently on a sort of self-help kick right now. Usually when you hear the phrase “self-help” you just kind of roll your eyes, and at first I sort of did too. But if you knew my dad and then saw some of the changes in him, you’d roll your eyes right back into place. It’s nice to hear him being more positive now. Many of the things he’s struggling with, I am too and it’s nice to know that we can relate on that level. He’s very open about it and I think really eager to have an audience and I’m probably one of the more receptive ears.

He doesn’t think I should quit after a bad day, and on some level I do agree. I do admit that on some level I am giving in to fear. I still think of driving that bus and my chest clenches. My dad is worried that if I let myself quit now, it’ll be easier next time to quit. He also says that I’m stuck in this negative mindset of “I can’t,” and that is very very true. I’m still in it.

Despite it all, I think I am going to go into that building tomorrow and inform them that I don’t think bus driving is the job for me. Basically, I’m quitting. Honestly, walking in there and telling them that takes a hell of a lot of courage from me. Usually in these type of situations I just quit showing up or avoid them and try to never see them again or I try to tell them in any form of communication besides face to face. Face to face involves questions like, “Why? What’s wrong? What if we did this…?” It requires standing firm in your decision and expressing myself well, something I am not good at. Knowing that in the morning I will have to walk up to that building and talk to the sups face to face scares me as well.

So i don’t know if this is cheating, but can’t I just say that this is one form of challenging myself? I may be quitting bus driving, but I am forcing myself to express myself and not resort to faceless communication. Can that count?

Honestly, I’m going to feel like a crummy failure no matter what. Dad keeps trying to help me think more positively, but that is damn hard to do. But I have one positive thing about this experience and that would be my conversations with my mom and dad. Knowing that they are there for me in a way I never knew.

I know though that I will be beating myself up all night and tomorrow and for the rest of the year. But I’ll try to then remind myself of the positive of the situation and help start to rethink things.