a net

So I think I’ve finally made a decision.

Dad visited and stayed for a few hours. We ate, talked, discussed life. He is currently on a sort of self-help kick right now. Usually when you hear the phrase “self-help” you just kind of roll your eyes, and at first I sort of did too. But if you knew my dad and then saw some of the changes in him, you’d roll your eyes right back into place. It’s nice to hear him being more positive now. Many of the things he’s struggling with, I am too and it’s nice to know that we can relate on that level. He’s very open about it and I think really eager to have an audience and I’m probably one of the more receptive ears.

He doesn’t think I should quit after a bad day, and on some level I do agree. I do admit that on some level I am giving in to fear. I still think of driving that bus and my chest clenches. My dad is worried that if I let myself quit now, it’ll be easier next time to quit. He also says that I’m stuck in this negative mindset of “I can’t,” and that is very very true. I’m still in it.

Despite it all, I think I am going to go into that building tomorrow and inform them that I don’t think bus driving is the job for me. Basically, I’m quitting. Honestly, walking in there and telling them that takes a hell of a lot of courage from me. Usually in these type of situations I just quit showing up or avoid them and try to never see them again or I try to tell them in any form of communication besides face to face. Face to face involves questions like, “Why? What’s wrong? What if we did this…?” It requires standing firm in your decision and expressing myself well, something I am not good at. Knowing that in the morning I will have to walk up to that building and talk to the sups face to face scares me as well.

So i don’t know if this is cheating, but can’t I just say that this is one form of challenging myself? I may be quitting bus driving, but I am forcing myself to express myself and not resort to faceless communication. Can that count?

Honestly, I’m going to feel like a crummy failure no matter what. Dad keeps trying to help me think more positively, but that is damn hard to do. But I have one positive thing about this experience and that would be my conversations with my mom and dad. Knowing that they are there for me in a way I never knew.

I know though that I will be beating myself up all night and tomorrow and for the rest of the year. But I’ll try to then remind myself of the positive of the situation and help start to rethink things.

augment

I am currently training to be a bus driver for my university.

Today was a really shitty day and a large part of me is considering quitting.

Right now, just the thought of getting back on a bus and driving down streets fills me with terror and I feel like water is rushing up around me. All the fear goes straight to my chest.

Nothing traumatic happened, but I just had such a hard time today trying to turn, back and just drive in general. Me and the trainer got a bit snarky at different points, which didn’t help things.

Dad says I shouldn’t quit. Mom says that it’s my decision and that it won’t change who I am. She says I won’t be a failure if I decided that this is not the route (get it?) for me. Dad says that if I quit this time, it’ll make quitting easier next time and that I can’t let failure keep me back.

I could go into a discussion of how interesting it is on the sides they’ve taken, but I won’t. I can see both sides and it’s these sides that are pulling me back and forth. Maybe this really isn’t for me. How do you know? How do you know when being a pussy versus being honest?

I have seriously been crying for hours. Ever since I got home from training. I know my faults. I get hung up on my mistakes and can’t look past them. It ruins my whole day. I also tend to blow these things out of proportion. I try to keep telling myself that everyone makes mistakes and has problems during training, but that sort of comfort only gets you so far. Right now my morale is down so low.

I will say this, whether I eventually decide to quit or see it through, I will have learned one thing from this ordeal. There are days when I feel like no one has my back. No one will support me, least of all my parents. I know they love me, but it’s always been hard to relate to them when I’m having a problem. But what I did was call my dad and he was really supportive. He’s actually coming to visit me. And mom was actually much nicer and supportive than I ever expected.