So I’ve been home nearly a week and I haven’t caught my breath yet. I’ve worked nearly everyday since I’ve been home, unpacked, cleaned and I’m still not done.
I think I often have to deal with the shock of a structureless existence once school ends, but it seems to have hit pretty hard this summer. I work for my mother, which means I don’t really get a schedule. I find out the day before (sometimes day of) that I’m going to work, and I can’t handle it! I am constantly planning things in my mind, trying to anticipate what is going to happen today, tomorrow, later this week. Things like, well I don’t need to wash the sheets today because I can do them on Tuesday. Then I find out I have to work or do something else, and it disrupts my so carefully laid plans.
The sad thing is that these aren’t even important plans. So why does it matter so much? I’m thinking it all goes back to control. I have truly realized the extent of my need for control this past week. I scare myself.
Also, I just freak out over the small things. Itsy bitsy, meaningless, insignificant details. While my friends tell me about how they are worried about grades, their major, their future jobs and I just don’t care all too much. I do care, but I just don’t allow myself to dissect it all, or else I think I just might have a complete breakdown. I think part of it is that when I was younger I would worry myself until I was sick over these sort of things. About my family, about the divorce, finances, future, everyone’s well being, happiness. I was getting crushed by it all.
Somewhere along the way I just quit caring. Self preservation, perhaps.
