sometimes I’m still scared when I’m home alone and I hear a noise upstairs

So I have two quizzes on Monday, one quiz on Tuesday, essay due Tuesday, exam Thursday, another essay due the following Monday, and my final exam that Thursday.

Theory totally gave me the cold shoulder yesterday. I could feel the coolness blowing from her. Even Bear noticed. She was really sweet about it, because she’s been on the receiving end of one of Theory’s cold shoulders. Maybe I should care more, but honestly it just makes me mad. I don’t feel like trying to cheer her up, trying to joke around when all I’ll get is a cold reception. Of course, that just prolongs the entire process. She’s probably pissed at me now that I’m becoming a bus driver.

I should probably explain that a little bit. My school has a university transit system and they are always needing drivers. Theory decided she wanted to work as a bus driver next year, so she signed up. This sparked me so sign up too, so next fall I will hopefully be a bus driver for the university. That is, if I pass my CDL test. Now since she’s all pissed at me, I’m starting to wonder if she’s a little upset that I chose to drive buses like her. She can be picky like that sometimes (but so can we all). Today we haven’t talked much. We’re mostly in our rooms working.

I’ll be honest, whenever I used to hear college kids complain about finals, I thought they were just whining and should get over it. Oh boy, was I so very wrong.

That being said, I might be back to hating my sister again.

Mom called me today and asked me if I knew this one girl who went to my high school. We graduated together, but had a total of one or two classes together. I ask why she wants to know, and she drops this bomb on me.

“She’s moving in with her today.”

I was so fucking pissed when I heard that. Mom was so upset and hurt. I didn’t know what to say, and all I wanted to do was scream at my sister. Well she’s eighteen now, I guess she can do whatever the hell she wants.

I’m not really so mad that she moved out. I am mad because I really don’t think she can handle not having a mommy to fall back on. I don’t think she is mature enough, and half expect her to either come crawling back, or harass Mom for money or some other shit. I’m sure we can all guess what my reaction would be if she tried calling me up.

My sister and Mom had all these plans for her to go to school in the Philippines. I’m not sure why exactly, but whatever. At least she was going to go to school. Mom even bought her a dog for her birthday (I wonder who’s keeping it. I kind of hope Mom is.). I’m so mad because she is hurting Mom. I’m sick and tired of her causing my mother so much pain with her selfishness. I won’t be able to forgive her for hurting Mom.

I’m not even sure of the situation surrounding the moving out. Was it a calm declaration, “Mom, I’m eighteen now and I want to move out.” Or was it after a huge fight (over something stupid, probably)? I don’t know. Mom was at work and she didn’t give me the details.

I’m going home next weekend and it’s difficult to imagine her not living there. Honestly, a large chunk of me expects her to come back within a week because things like happen in my house. She just has never been of legal age before to where she could act on her threats. But if she doesn’t come home I wonder if that will make things worse or better. Maybe worse because she lacks a great deal of maturity and discipline, but maybe better because they’ll fight less, so their relationship will improve. I don’t know.

In sociology I learned that now children no longer provide financial benefits to parents. In fact, they result in tremendous costs – school supplies, girl scout fees, braces, the new gizmo that they just have to have, tuition costs. If children are so damn expensive, why in the world do we still have them?

Apparently nowadays they provide parents with emotion benefits that are priceless. You can’t put a price tag on love.

I just don’t know.

okay, so maybe I don’t know how to interact socially…there are a few desert islands somewhere, right?

So I really don’t get the deal between me and Theory. We’re both just kind of pissed or annoyed at each other, a lot. It started Wednesday when she was just giving bad vibes to everyone. Then it transferred to Thursday. Just little things that she did would piss me off. And this morning she pissed me off again.

For example, we have a 9:00 class together, so I woke her up about 7:45 because she wanted to get breakfast. She looks at me, and says she’ll get up. I wake her up again in about ten minutes. She tells me that she is going to get up. I get ready, wait in the lounge for a while. I then see her leave her room to start getting ready. I was a little pissed then. I wait. And wait. For over twenty minutes. She saw me waiting.

She thought the class was at 9:30 (we have a Tuesday, Thursday class together at that time). First I was pissed because I had to wait so long and nearly miss breakfast. Then I was pissed because we’ve had this class at 9:00 every Friday of the semester. Now I understand that I can be anal. I’m a control freak. Sometimes I just wish they could get their shit together every now and then. Because otherwise I am sometimes left to deal with the mess, and quite frankly I’m tired of cleaning someone else’s mess. Then I got pissed because she effing knew I was waiting. She knew. She just assumed that she was right and wasn’t even going to consider why I was waiting. Why I woke her up so early. (The fact that I have to wake her up should indicated something). Didn’t even pop her head out to ask me why I was waiting.

Little things like that keep pissing me off. I’m not sure if I am overreacting as much as I think I am. I don’t know. I don’t know anything.

I feel like I can’t articulate why I’m just overall pissed because I feel like I’m in the wrong. But then again, sometimes I just want to be allowed to be pissed. Another reason I feel like I can’t express my frustrations is that, in my mind, I have a billion flaws and therefore have no right to be upset at someone else. I feel like if I were to point out that you did such and such, it’ll be thrown in my face that I did the same thing two Tuesdays ago. Not that I think everyone is as manipulative as my sister, but it’s still a fear (?) of mine.

When stuff like this happens, it bothers me all day. It’s always on my mind. I’m really bad at friendships, I’ve learned. I feel like everyone got this friendship thing down in middle and high school. Me, not so much. I isolated myself too much. Let my world get wrapped around a certain someone. Now I need to learn all the crap everyone already knows.

I think things are going to continue to be icy between Theory and me. Of course, then again, we could be two peas in a pod by tomorrow.

ssa

So I just snapped at Theory and now we’re both kind of pissy at each other and it sucks. I’ve been kind of annoyed at her since yesterday and this morning it didn’t help any, but then you decided, why be angry? But the annoyance settles in anyway, and I snapped at her. And now I feel bad and crappy for snapping at her, so there. So now I’m the ass and fun time is over.

five days ahead of schedule

Dear ten page paper,

I totally just kicked your ass! You were just pwned by yours truly.

I officially rule.

Sincerely,

a college student with one more check on her to-do list

Confusion

So why is it when Theory gets moody and i feel like she’s either pissed or annoyed at me, Bear and I are on such great terms? Gah, I don’t understand friendship at all.

Wait, 27 pages?!

I really need to stop stressing out. Or better yet, actually do my work on time so I won’t have to be stressed…

My goal of giving up soda is not going as well as I had hoped. I’ve cheated quite a few times. But I’ve learned that I don’t enjoy soda as much as I think I do. It’s become one of those things that sound better than the actual experience, like oranges or hot chocolate. I’ve also started drinking more water, which is a benefit. I just need to stop giving in. I think my stress has attributed to this. When I’m worried about school I quit worrying so much about food choices and health in general.

I’ve decided that I really want to learn to play the guitar. I’ve got it all planned out already. As soon as summer starts I’m going to buy a guitar, possibly off of ebay. Just something cheap to see if I like it. The first song I want to learn is Butterfly, by Weezer. I recently got Pinkerton and absolutely adore the album. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to learn the guitar, but may as well give it a shot.

Three more weeks, four more essays totaling in 27 pages, and four exams to go. Dear God…

Burnt toast

This week is going to be rather hectic for me. I have a week to write two papers totaling about fourteen pages. Fun. And I my evenings are going to be cut by this book club class thingy, plus volunteering. So that’s Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday’s evening all gone.

I’m not the best with long term assignments because I have all this anticipation time that just builds and builds until in my mind I’ve blown it so far out of proportion that I’m constantly stressed. There’s this constant nagging feeling that eats me away and completely demoralizes me.

Other than some school stress, I kind of had a good weekend. Yesterday my school held a Springfest so we all decided to go. I had a blast. Even played frisbee, a sport I kind of hate, but enjoyed anyway. We listened to some bands play, but I left before OkGo performed. I’m a little disappointed, but I was beat and getting a little cranky. At least I have a lovely sunburn to show off my day.

This is shameful, but I don’t remember when I last had a sunburn. I spend way too much time indoors. I’m not saying sunburns are a good thing to have, it’s just that it’s an indication of how rarely I go outside. During the summer there are many days where the only outdoors I get is walking to my car. I hope to get outside more this summer.

Flutter

I saw my first butterfly of spring today.

Feather

Sometimes there’ll be a meaningless comment that will just shatter any walls or delusions I ever had. They don’t mean anything mean by it, maybe just a gentle tease, but it feels like that last straw. I can’t keep smiling and laughing. I just want to cry.

Hours

Have you ever reached the end of the day and become totally pissed at yourself for all the things you could have done besides wasting time on YouTube or Facebook or whatever shiny thing pops across your computer screen?

What’s worse is I’m pissed at myself and there’s no one to blame but myself.