Fish

This is going to sound horrible, but there are times where I feel practically worthless. Times where I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to interact with people because I feel like I bring out the worth in others or only show them my worst side. Sometimes I genuinely feel like some of these people would be better off not having known me. When I get like this, I don’t understand why people can stand me. I feel like a poison to others.

Fools

I am currently at a loss. I am sitting here, and I’m not sure what to do. There are things I could do, but my brain isn’t functioning, so I can’t think of too many things (and of course the things I think of don’t sound to enticing). I did spend most of my day trying to figure out all these programs. Oh dear, computers are stressful (my friends have been making fun of me when I used the phrase “Oh dear.” Probably justified). I feel almost aimless. Or perhaps another problem is that I have quite a bit to do that I really don’t know where to begin.

Anyway, aimlessness aside, I have decided that as of the first of April I am going to quit soda. Soda is a rather large vice of mine, one of many, and it’s something I really should quit. I’ve said I will a few times, but I’m saying it here so hopefully I’ll be held more accountable.

Wait, but-

So I have this list of traits that I want to work on. Things like be more patient or live for the moment. Maybe one day when I feel like being embarrassed I’ll put it up here. Anyway, I’m trying this thing where each day I pick one item from the list and choose it as my daily goal. Today I chose to be more pleasant/nice. Mostly I had my roommate in mind. She drives me up the wall and so I’m not always the friendliest with her. She just exhausts me sometimes; I don’t have the energy to act like I give a damn about how she talked to the guy she likes today. I just don’t care. I’m sorry, but I don’t. Perhaps if this weren’t the tenth guy she’s liked, I might actually care. Now…please spare me the details.

So I’m trying to be nicer to her and not let her little things frustrate me. It’s gotten to the point where anything will annoy me. Today I was going to try to not let the little things bother me, because really, why do they matter. Didn’t last long, unfortunately. She brought home a tv this weekend, something I am not happy about. She vaguely knew I wasn’t happy, although I never explicitly told her I didn’t want her get one. She would say things like, “What do you think of getting a tv?” I would give a noncommittal answer without enthusiasm, saying how I really didn’t want one. Anyway, so I come home and she pops in Hairspray, so now I’ve been basically kicked out of my room because I can’t work with tv or music on.

I’m trying not to care. I tell myself that she’s allowed to have a tv. It’s just the lounge. I work there fairly often, so why get so frustrated? So I’m out in the lounge. She eventually leaves to go to some church dinner and I get locked out of my room. I don’t have my ID, a jacket, I don’t even have shoes. So, this is a little bigger than turning on a television, but I still try not to get upset. I laugh it off, no big deal, etc.

She eventually joins us in the dining hall (I had to borrow flip flops from a friend), and we’re all talking, having fun, normal dining hall activities. And she just keeps talking. We’re trying to tell a story, and she just dominates. I guess I got cut off one too many times, because right now I just want to cry. Maybe I should follow my goal and be nice and pleasant and not get hung up on little things.

silent and alone

Sometimes I feel like it would be best if I wasn’t allowed to interact or communicate with people.

Sociology

So, I have a butt load of work to do for school, but instead I’m here. Priorities!

Returning back to school from spring break was rough. I was only gone for a week, but all of last week I just did not feel like doing anything – so basically that’s what I did. Now I’m paying for it now. If it’s taken me this long to get back into the swing of things, what is it going to be like once I return from summer break (which is in less than two months).

We register for classes in a couple of weeks and I’ve decided my major is sociology. I truly love it and even the readings are usually enjoyable for me. I’m sure I drive my friends crazy because I’m always telling them things I learn in class and in readings. I find it all so interesting and I tend to share things I find interesting – too bad not everyone shares my opinion of what’s interesting. But sociology it is. I’m excited about it, but I’ve found one thing.

I tend to hesitate when I tell people I want to be a sociology major. In fact, I usually tell them, “I’m not sure what my major is yet, but I’m thinking about sociology.” I’m not really thinking; I’ve pretty much known for a while, even if I’ve denied. But when I tell people about my intended major I feel the instant need to defend my choice. Sociology doesn’t have nearly the same prestige or importance as say business or physics or economics. People almost always ask, “What are you going to do with that? Teach?” Um, how about be a sociologist? Perhaps? There are many things to do with a sociology major than just teach. What good is a subject if the only thing you can do with it is teach. People don’t realize the versatility of majors. For example, if you major in the classics or English you are not limited to teaching. There are many different opportunities for you. Also, your undergraduate major really doesn’t mean much at all. I could major in sociology and end up a janitor or the CEO of a company.

I love my sociology class and it has made me more aware and knowledgeable about social injustice and inequality. I’ve always had a tendency to stick my head in the sand (that’s a whole other entry where we can talk about that) when it comes issues, but the more aware I am of it, the more I realize that I want my life to mean something. I want to do good. Right now I’m not satisfied with a life where I get a regular 40-hour a week job, get married, have a house in the suburbs and have a few kids, shuffle them from dance class to soccer practice, then come home. I want my life to amount to more than just increasing the world population. I think I can use sociology to help. If I don’t become a sell out first in order to pay the bills and, you know, eat.

birthday smiles (?)

So, first off I figured out how to get rid of the visual/code options for posts and my life is so much happier and simpler. I don’t know if it was Safari or the program, but the spacing would get off between paragraphs when I would go back to a post to edit it.

We had my roommate’s party, and I guess people don’t suck as much as they did the other day. We had fun hanging out downtown. We had dinner then went ice skating. I’ve learned that I am not the best skater and that I cannot stop. Mostly I just crash into the wall. But we all enjoyed ourselves, except for the crappy skate rentals that killed everyone’s feet. We went out for gelato, then had cake and presents.

Overall we enjoyed ourselves and she said that it was probably one of her best birthdays every, which always makes us feel great. I was in a good mood to, laughing with everyone. I did get a bit peeved because I felt like they were especially teasing me today and I’m not sure why. Sure it’s all in good fun, but at one point you just want to say enough is enough. I can only take so many short jokes or hair jokes or whatever. I also got a little cranky later because I was just tired and annoyed and uncomfortable.

We ended the night with a viewing of Juno. I truly love that film. But for some reason the film left me feeling a little bit melancholy with a twinge of loneliness.

Good God, I don’t know how it came to be almost two o’clock already. I really really really need to get some sleep.

no point birthday rant

So, my friend and I are trying to throw a party for my roommate, but people are being annoying. Throwing a party is so frustrating because you invite people, they never answer, some say they are coming and then later change their mind, some are currently fasting. I guess this is why I prefer small parties – you don’t have to accommodate a dozen people.

Oh, and screw facebook.

I would be happy with a small party, but my roommate gripes about how little friends she has, so we thought it would be fun to invite all her friends to the party, only problem is that no one is coming. And of course we can’t let her know that we had so much trouble planning this because who wants to know that no one wants to come to their party. We also are trying to figure out how to get people to meet up, make sure they show up on time, and also how the heck we’re going to get the cake there because we all lack cars. Pray and hope it makes the bus ride, I suppose.

I’m frustrated with everyone, but at the same time I’m frustrated at my roommate because she is the one who is constantly valuing quantity over quality. I’ll be sitting there while she gripes about how she has no one to go hang out with on the weekend, different people to go partying with. I just want to ask her, “Really? Really…” If only she would be satisfied to have a small party with her friends who are stressing and planning, calling and messaging, instead of these people who are coming because they probably have nothing better to do or might be able to squeeze her into their schedules. A part of me is pissed that we’re not enough, that these meaningless people are the ones she wants.

We’re trying to make it special, but no one is coming and so there’s not much we can do. We’re both so worried that she’ll be let down and disappointed because we don’t have much planned. She’s the last of the group to have a birthday, which is rough because she has all the other ones to compare to, yet we’re all so birthday-ed out. But it’s not fair to her either. She should get a good birthday.

Jeez, sometimes people just suck.

ketchup

So in about forty minutes I will be taking an exam for Sociology. I have not studied nearly enough, I’m tired, and my brain is foggy. It’s been in a fog all weekend. I can’t focus, I don’t want to focus, I don’t even want to try. I just keep fantasizing about my bed.

I hope I can get my crap together soon. I’ve got a few essays coming up in the next couple of weeks. But I’ve also got my roommate’s birthday to plan and possibly Easter with the family next weekend.

I promise all my posts won’t be complaints about school. I’m just too foggy and stressed to type anything meaningful. I’m considering writing some profiles of family members and friends. I really find it fascinating how my view of people change over time as I grow up and learn more about them, especially my family. How I viewed them as a kid is completely different from how I view them now.

So be patient. I hope to catch up on my sleep and homework soon.

Worn

I haven’t been writing her very often for a few reasons. Mostly, it’s because I haven’t broken this blog in yet and so I just feel uncomfortable writing here. I feel like I have to write important stuff and not whine about this, that and the other. I don’t feel like I can be myself yet. So I’ve mostly been writing in my beautiful Moleskine journal. God, I love those journals. I would recommend them to anyone. It makes me want to write more. I prefer the paper journal at times so I can be more personal and fear that the wrong eyes will come upon it.

Also, I admit there are still a bunch that I just don’t understand or like about wordpress. It’s awkward for me to use. Tags are such a hassle to deal with. Categories – eh. But tags just aren’t worth my time. This place just isn’t home yet.

But give it time. I’m sure my soul has a little bit more it can spill.