stress

Midterms. Ahhh!!! 

kite

Today I felt as if the wind was going to blow me away.

I wanted to go flying.

Old Love Song

There are times when I miss God.

I left Him about a year ago because I was angry at Him. I am still mad at Him. He let me down at a point when everyone around me was letting me down. Family, boyfriend, and then Great Divine. I was left alone and felt wholly abandoned. I’m still mad at God and after all the shit in my life, I don’t know when I’l forgive or trust Him. You sort of expect the people around you to disappoint and abandon, but they keep saying all this great stuff about God you almost believe He’ll actually be there. I don’t buy all that jazz about how He’s always with you or never left. Nor do I want to hear how I’ve been taken in by the Devil. I can’t believe that He’s here with me anymore, because then it means He allowed it all to happen and just watched. Watched me cry, watched my soul pull in on itself until it nearly disappeared, watched my faith in humanity start to diminish, watched as my eyes lost their spark and laughs lose their ring.

Despite the anger, every now and then I miss Him. Perhaps it’s like an old boyfriend. You think back and remember the good times you had together. I ended up buying an Audio Adrenaline CD, a Christian band I used to love. It’ll be doubly painful because it’ll remind me of my ex-boyfriend and my relationship with God. There is this one song, “Leaving Ninety-Nine,” and I’m certain I’ll listen to it like I listen to old love songs – listen and wish someone felt that way about me and wondering if I’ll ever feel it.

Qualifications

When you go to a large school, you generally have to attend discussions or sections once a week if you take a large lecture class. I think the point is to get some more personal help from TA’s and get to know other students better. Perhaps that’s the logic behind it.

There seems to be two types of graduate students who teach these sections. You’ve got Type One. These types are typically total jerks who are contradictory just for the sake of being contradictory. They say they want a discussion, but in reality they just want to put down anyone who doesn’t agree with their point of view. They like to say they grade hard for our benefit and they walk around like they are so superior to undergraduates. “Man, you think this is a lot of reading?” They like to pretend that they don’t care that they aren’t liked.

Type Two are the absolute sweethearts. They’re so sweet, listen to all your questions, smile all the time and are very approachable. You would think these types are great, right? And usually they are. The only problem is that while Type One are too overbearing, too opinionated, direct the discussion too much, Type Two lack much direction at all. They think all ideas are good ones. Someone can say some outrageous interpretation of the text and they would say, “Well, that’s in interesting interpretation. Perhaps.” It’s all fuzzy, just like the TA’s. But you can’t get upset with them because they are so nice!

So which type is better? Type One usually pisses me off throughout the semester and I generally start to dislike the class. Occasionally they can offer some good enlightenment, but usually what comes out is hot air. At least you have permission to dislike them. I downright enjoy complaining about bad TA’s. You feel guilty saying anything bad about Type Two TA’s. So in general, you conclude that perhaps just because someone is a graduate does not make them qualified to teach a course.