Where?

Sometimes I want to stand up and scream “I’M HERE!”

one up

What irks me is how people change when they’re in a foreign setting. People talk and act differently when they’re in a group setting with strangers. And I’m sure I do it too, and yes, how can I expect people to act the same in all scenarios, blah blah. Probably what irks me is the slight change in their tone of voice or how the speak. I hear it, and I think, that’s not you. Stop it.

It’s almost as if we’re all in this competition, but don’t necessarily realize it. Who can talk without looking like an idiot? Who can sound the most articulate or intelligent? Sometimes there’s a general feeling of fake-ness as well.

Writing here is still odd for me. It’s still foreign. And that showiness/fake-ness/competition shows up. Perhaps it stems from insecurities. This place isn’t a home for me yet. I don’t have a feel for the people here. It’s an uncomfortable feeling when I’m trying to write a post.

speck

I’m not even sure what to say. Don’t know where to start.The week after school ended for break my mind was buzzing with problems, worries, hopes, etc. Then after a week or so, it sort of died. I think the cause of death was lack of stimulation. Too much free time and television. I genuinely started to miss school and learning. I had a lack of entries because I just wasn’t thinking very much.

Now I have a lack of entries because I’m busier and my mind is buzzing again with this and that, opinions on the Bible, gender stratification, etc. I am really enjoying my classes so far. I’m really considering being a sociology major. I generally enjoy all my classes, except Econ. Ick. It’s amazing at how quickly this place feels like home again.

I have a theme for the year 2008. It is connections. How have I been doing thus far?Quite poorly, in fact. There are some days when I feel like such a closed off individual who is doomed to be alone.

Doomed. Perhaps by genetics. That is my greatest fear. That I’ll end up like my family. Why am I so closed off? And I’m not just talking about typical romances either. Right now, I have no one. I was left with nobody. It’s too late to be dealing with this.

Newcomb

When I have an hour or more between classes I usually go into this one room. It’s huge, with a fireplace, chandelier and a piano. There are couches and chairs scattered around the room. It’s perfect to finish up a few chapters before my next class, or better yet, sprawl out on a couch and take a nap. The other day I stretched out and looked up at the ceiling and realized just how massive the room was. It was startling to see the ceiling, the decorative edge and dusty vents. It made me realize how small I was and how absorbed in my own bubble  I am. Very rarely do we ever look up, and I don’t mean that in a spiritual sense. Too often I just don’t pay attention to details and life around me. Instead I’m absorbed in going straight to the couch to nap or fiddle on my laptop.I’m in that room now, looking up, and I like the way I feel small. Like there is something bigger than me. A part of me wishes I could dance in here, one day. Or just twirl. 

black dots with sticks and flags

So far I love my Socio 101 class to bits. It’ll probably be difficult, but I think it’ll be a difficult I’ll like. Challenging, if you prefer. I’m on a quasi music frenzy right now. Whenever my roommate is out of the room, the speakers are turned on and the music is blaring. My current favorites are:Walter Reed, Michael PennDear God, Sarah McLachlanWhere You End, MobyHave any recommendations?

B-I-T-C-H

You know, sometimes I can be a real bitch. It comes out sometimes when I’m stressed or frazzled, but it especially shows when I am feeling insecure and self-conscious. I don’t know why I become so bitchy. Perhaps it’s because I’m mad at myself for feeling insecure so I lash out. Or perhaps I’m pissed at the person making me feel insecure.

Overall I guess it’s okay being back at campus.In some ways it’s a total relief from being at home. No family to piss me off or stress me out. But being back here fills me with immense amounts of self-doubt and insecurities. I feel myself pulling inward when I meet new people. Those vicious thoughts of not being attractive or not interesting or whatever. And they’re so pathetic. I hate admitting all of that.

The saddest thing of all is I don’t know how to fix or change it.

EDIT: Screw you insecurities. You manage to mess everything up.

EDIT: I don’t particularly enjoy being a bitch at times, but there are moments where I just want to embrace it. I want to be a total bitch to everyone, because I’ve found that people who behave that way usually get what they want. You just have to deal with under the breath comments as you leave. I’m not even sure what I’m saying. Perhaps more tomorrow.

broom

As usual, I sweep it all under the rug. Push it far, far to the back of my brain. Forget about it. Pretend it never happened.

You know, I don’t know when my parents got divorced? I can’t remember the year or month. It was either my junior or senior year. I can’t remember when my dad moved out, when he moved back in, and when he moved out again. I don’t think it is all due to lack of paying attention. Throughout the bad I pull away.

Sweep it under the rug.

questions on forgiving

What are the rules for forgiveness? Are you supposed to forgive no matter what? Should you only forgive if the person cares enough to say they are sorry? I’m not sure.

They say that the way to have a happy life is to forgive and love and all that jazz. Forgive and love. What if the person is not capable or unwilling to change? What if they are going to keep doing the same thing over and over again? Should you still forgive the person? Even if it’s going to happen again? Should you forgive them, even if they weren’t sorry enough to stop doing things they shouldn’t?

reminder to self

From PostSecret:

Frank,

I walked into my house this morning at 4 am. On my counter was a package. I ordered the books “My Secret” and “The Secret Lives of Men and Women” a week ago, and they’d just arrived last night. I immediately ripped open the package and read the books.

I decided that I was going to change my life.

I’m not going into work today. I hate my job.

I also called the man I spent last night with. I told him that I’m going to start living my life and not just “existing” anymore. I’ve felt for too long that my life has no purpose. I’ve felt like I’m just here…and that anyone could replace me at any given moment.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I just made myself the biggest breakfast that I’ve ever eaten.

I’m thinking about taking a road trip.

sigh

I am so glad the holidays are finally over. Now I can enjoy my break in peace. No more stresses (well, there’ll still be plenty of stress, just not due to holidays, but let me enjoy my momentary sigh of relief).