what I want

Writing the first entry is always stressful. I’m not quite sure what to say, so I may as well start in the middle, right where I am right now.

I finished my Christmas shopping today. I caved and got my sister a present, even though I swore up and down and to anyone who’d listen that I wouldn’t. I still don’t think she deserves a gift, but I keep imagining Christmas morning and her not getting a gift from me. It is just wrong and I expect better of myself. But I’m not a totally good person and to diffuse some of the gift giving responsibilities I got a joint persent with my cousin. Perhaps it is one more way to distance myself from my sister.

What I don’t get is how she has everyone totally and completely wrapped around her finger. She can do just about anything, and after a while people end up caving and forgiving her. It’s probably because she is so forward with her misery. She doesn’t try to hide it. When she’s mad, you know. Same as when she’s sad or wants something. But you know what? She usually gets what she wants.

What does that mean? What does it mean that a total brat can get when she wants because she asks for it, while me, a fairly well-behaved person who waits never really gets anything. Or when I do ask for something, I just feel guilty all over. Who is better off? Should I start behaving like my sister then? Everyone seems so concerned with her happiness and wants and life. I think everyone just assumes that I know what the hell I’m doing and that because I don’t stomp around the house I’m okay.