Eve

A little over three hours and it will be a new year. 2008. A fresh start with 365 days in front of me.

But the thing is, I know that things aren’t going to be wiped clean as soon as the clock hits midnight. Tomorrow doesn’t mean all my problems will be fixed or that I’ll suddenly find the solutions I’ve been looking for.

Doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. I am going to still work on my resolutions, most of which will be on my 101 list and 43 Things. These goals are important to me because I’m actually acomplishing them. I’ve never written down my goals and it is so satisfying to cross them off. I feel like for the first time I have the power and ability and discipline to suceed what I set my mind to. It’s refreshing.

But I don’t need a new year for that.

walk the plank

Planks of my own:

I am way too concerned with money and how much things cost. I don’t need to tell others how much I spent on the coat!

I am a total glutton for praise and compliments. I don’t receive them often and I just love hearing them. When I give a gift I know someone liked, I ask, more than once, “So, did you like the — ?” just to hear them say, “Yes! I loved it. You did such a good job picking it out.”

I avoid confrontation like the plague.

I know there are more, but these have been the onces I’ve been mulling over since my post a few days ago.

night post

All in all, it’s been a good Christmas.

It’s a Wonderful Life

Earlier this evening I saw It’s a Wonderful Life. I’ve seen it before, but never in one sitting all the way through. I stil missed the first ten or so minutes of is. I’ve seen bits of this movie all my life, but never did it hit me so much as this year. I seriously cried numerous times throughout the film, but then again it doesn’t take much for me to cry.

That film was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.

Christmas is like love…

Well, I will admit that I was disappointed with the family get together this afternoon, but that was to be expected (still doesn’t minimize the disappointment). My sister is currently pissed because she was given presents she didn’t want or could use. I wish I could point out to her that she didn’t put much effort in her presents either.

People do that quite often. They are blind to the plank in their own eyes but see the speck in others. I know I’m guilty of it, as are we all. I do try to remain objective about my faults, but I do wonder what I miss that others see. Do I whine and complain too much? (Probably) Am I hypocritical? I wonder what planks of my own I miss.

Anyway, even though I said in my last post that I am inherently optimistic and always will be, it does not mean that I go around happy all the time. It means I’ll always carry a secret hope that things will turn out alright in the end. I’m not the type of girl who could be given a stick and be grateful. I’m no Pollyanna and her crutches.

I’m not yet quite sure how I feel about this Christmas yet. I will admit that I wish my mother would put more effort into this, but there is always next year. If I want people to start putting more effort in this, I myself have to start. And while there is the selfish, lazy person who whines, “why do I have to be the one to start this?”, if it’s not me, then who? Because so many people of the world ask, “Why me?” so someone has to step up. May as well be me, right? If I want this change bad enough, then I have to be the one to bring it about.

So whatever Mom gives me, I’m going try to be completely grateful and not the fake, cheesy kind my sister has mastered.

I have come to this conclusion, however. Christmas is like love.

I feel like Christmas has become this myth and series of high expectations that we set ourselves up for. In the realm of love we see the fairy tales and the movies and expect to meet prince charming who says the “I love you”s and brings the spontaneous gifts and says the right thing, when in real life it isn’t always so. And you know what? I think that is okay. Christmas is very similar. You see the made-for-TV movies and hear the songs about the joy of Christmas. You’re told all these feelings you’re supposed to feel and all these things families are supposed to do. But it doesn’t always measure up. And I guess that is okay as well. Just accept it for what it is, not what you think it should.

Ugg. All I’m doing is trying to talk my way out of disappointment. I shall prevail!

I sincerely hope everyone has an awesomely amazingly Merry Christmas. I will.

hope

Times like these I feel completely and utterly lost. I want to have a faith in humanity, I want to be optimistic and hopeful, but disappointment and pain keeps interfering. Last year I described myself to a teacher as an optimist in a pessimist’s clothing. He chuckled, but at times I think it is true.

Deep down I am an optimist. I could never throw the towel in, ever. There will forever in me be a fire burning, knowing that good exists and that all people posess good and that we can achieve happiness.

You probably wouldn’t believe this about me as I’m driving into a Wal-Mart parking lot, however.

The thing about being optimistic is that you allow yourself many opportunities to be disappointed and hurt by people who don’t care and don’t share the same viewpoint. Disappointment after disappointment has worn away at my optimistic exterior slightly (well, more than slightly) until I was sure I was a pessimist. But now I know, I will forever be the optimist. I may let my disappointment engulf me for a while, but I’ll return.

This is not necessarily a good trait. Like I said, it allows for much disappointment and pain. But I still hope that it will be worth it in the end. Even if it is the fact that I can look at the world (and my family) in hope, as deluded as others see it, and not despair.

What I find interesting is that pessimism and hating the world is now cool. Happy people are annoying, while cynics are wise and cool. I hate this stigma.

Anyway, all in all I am going to try to have a good Christmas. Try to be hopeful and open myself up to the small surprises that will come along, rather than have my disappointment and idea of how things should be cloud the actual experience. It may not be the ideal or perfect Christmas and it may be lacking in comparison to years past, but it’s the only Christmas I get this year and I don’t want to waste it on pessimism. So I guess I’ll try to open up to the Christmas spirit and enjoy the time with family.

101 in 1001

Here is my list of 101 goals (currently being edited) I wish to accomplish in the next 1001 days. My end date is May 3, 2010. For more information visit Day Zero.

101 in 1001

1. Complete 75 hours of community service/volunteering (11/78)
2. Apply for 25 scholarships (6/25)
3. Learn to play nine songs on the guitar (0/9)
4. Save $2,500 in my ING account
5. Make 10 playlists (0/10)
6. Make mix CD’s for three friends (2/3)
7. Whiten my teeth
8. Collect 100 quotes (19/100)
9. Write in my journal everyday for an entire month
10. Place 10 “You are beautiful.” stickers around my campus
11. Record a new voicemail message
12. See five plays (5/5) <–Completed 3/29/08
13. Get something waxed
14. Make two collages
15. Get contacts
16. Lose 20lbs and keep it off for the duration of the project
17. Go to at least one of my college’s football games
18. Write 50,000 words
19. Visit four professor’s office hours (1/4)
20. People watch on three separate occasions
21. Read three banned/challenged books
22. Use an entire post it block and spread happy, loving notes around town
23. Visit the University’s Art Museum
24. Read my old journals cover to cover, including my blog. Must read every page, even the excruciatingly embarrassing parts
25. Make all A’s one semester
26. Back-up my music and pictures onto my external hard drive
27. Give up soda for an entire month
28. Give up soda for two months
29. Copy and paste my old entries from Diaryland to Word and print them out
30. Go see a play at the Blackfriar Theater
31. Dye my hair<–Completed 4/02/08
32. Compile all my photos in a photo album<–Completed 11/13/07
33. Find a cute iPod case for my new iPod<–Completed 10/02/07
34. Read (or reread) every novel by Jane Austen (1/6)
    Northanger Abbey
35. Purchase a good, warm, comfortable, all-around perfect winter coat<–Completed 12/19/2007
36. Watch (or rewatch) every Audrey Hepburn movie (excluding early films with minor roles) (1/20)
    My Fair Lady
37. List 100 things that make me smile (13/100)
38. Purchase reusable shopping bags or reuse my plastic bags when shopping.
39. Read at least one book on Mrs. Park’s recommended list of books to read
40. Sneak into a movie
41. Purchase a shirt off of Cafe Press
42. Go on a road trip with no predetermined destination
43. Cook one thing that is featured in an episode of “Good Eats” and eat it
44. Quit cursing/cussing
45. Fill my change bank to the brim
46. List 100 things about myself (25/100)
47. Write three fan fiction stories
48. Wake up when my alarm goes off the first time for a week.<– Completed 2/28/08
49. Close my Wachovia saving’s account<–Completed 8/24/07
50. Get a new updated driver’s license<–Completed 8/14/07
51. Go back to high school and visit all the teacher’s that mattered to me<–Completed 1/03/08
52. Reread five books I loved growing up (1/5)
    Matilda
53. Visit my elementary school library
54. Obtain a credit card
55. Replace my incandescent bulbs with florescent ones
56. Choose my major
57. Moisturize every day for a month
58. Write to three authors about how much I loved their book (1/3)
59. Visit Washington DC for a day/weekend trip
60. Write 50 letters of any kind to anyone (27/50)
61. Get my fortune read
62. Purchase a set of BOSE headphones<–Completed 8/18/07
63. Do not go up in clothing size
64. Register to vote<–Completed on 8/14/07
65. See Matchbox Twenty in concert
66. Vote in the 2008 election after becoming well informed on the candidates
67. Maintain proper dental hygiene for 6 weeks (involves brushing 2x a day, flossing, using mouthwash, and wearing my retainer twice a week)
68. Find a job working for someone other than family
69. Fake my birthday at a restaurant
70. Quit popping my gum
71. Finish my Jayne Cobb hat<–Completed 9/16/07
72. Find good use for my violin
73. Write a short story
74. Donate blood 4 times (0/4)
75. Write a song
76. Become an organ donor<–Completed 1/14/08
77. Keep bins to store my recycling rather than throwing it away in the trash<–Complete 9/8/07
78. Send a postcard to PostSecret<–Completed 10/30/07
79. Join Netflix again<–Completed 8/30/07
80. For two weeks eat at least one serving of fresh produce a day
81. Start a recipe book
82. Attend at least one session with a therapist/counselor/whatever they are calling them now days
83. Organize my yarn stash<–Completed 8/11/07
84. Apply to be on a make over show
85. Try 10 new recipes (0/10)
86. Cut my hair short<–Completed 1/7/08
87. Donate hair to Locks of Love<–Completed 1/7/08
88. Submit a work of writing to be published
89. Send a care package to a soldier
90. Make my bed daily for 2 weeks
91. Learn to tolerate salad<–Completed 1/17/08
92. Purchase Season 3 of The Office<–Completed 12/26/07
93. Meet Alton Brown – Note to self: Check his website around March to see book signings
94. Purchase Feasting on Asphalt Season 1 <–Completed 8/6/07
95. Finish a Sudoku book cover to cover
96. Keep a record of every book I finish reading
97. Purchase three spontaneous presents. Wrap them and give them to three different people. Cannot be on birthdays or other gift giving holidays (0/3)
98. Donate $5 to charity for each goal I don’t accomplish

small surprises

I always find myself a little bit shocked when my mother is in a good mood. When she’s happy and joking around, I feel the slightest bit lighter. Something feels a little off and I have to figure out what it is. Then I realize it’s my mom smiling and laughing and joking around and being silly.

quakes

Last night I was truly scared. Borderline terrified. In my defense it was a valid fear, not an overactive imagination. In retrospect I find it fascinating my body’s reaction to the fear and how spot on authors can be. I’ve always read about shaking hands and weak knees, but never experienced it. It got to the point where I started to believe that it was an author’s cliche, like how people can “read” emotions in others eyes or what not.

It’s odd, how your body reacts. At first I tried to dismiss it all, but my heart was pounding. I could feel it beating in my chest and hear it pumping in my ears. My breath quickened. I tried to walk around to see if my sister was causing the noises and my knees were weak and shaking. I still remember during and after the uncontrollable shaking of my hands. They were severe, but I was having trouble typing. Even now, I can still vividly recall it all.

Surprisingly the authors got it right. But I do wonder if any of them ever really experienced all those phenomena or if the cliches have been regurgitated over and over again. Kind of like the cliche of a kiss with fireworks. Sometimes I wonder if authors are like twelve year old girls writing fan fiction and trying to describe a kiss or situation they have never experienced. They just know that you’re supposed to have shaking hands when scared, just like twelve-year olds know that there are supposed to be fireworks with kisses.

It’s still surprising how my body acted on its own accord. I wonder how I would behave in a true flight or fight situation. I used to be so sure I’d be a flight person, but I’m starting to think, perhaps, maybe I would fight. It’s…comforting? to know you’re tougher than you thought. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still highly likely to run away, but now I’m beginning to think it is not a certainty.

I realize that this is rather ambiguous.

what I want

Writing the first entry is always stressful. I’m not quite sure what to say, so I may as well start in the middle, right where I am right now.

I finished my Christmas shopping today. I caved and got my sister a present, even though I swore up and down and to anyone who’d listen that I wouldn’t. I still don’t think she deserves a gift, but I keep imagining Christmas morning and her not getting a gift from me. It is just wrong and I expect better of myself. But I’m not a totally good person and to diffuse some of the gift giving responsibilities I got a joint persent with my cousin. Perhaps it is one more way to distance myself from my sister.

What I don’t get is how she has everyone totally and completely wrapped around her finger. She can do just about anything, and after a while people end up caving and forgiving her. It’s probably because she is so forward with her misery. She doesn’t try to hide it. When she’s mad, you know. Same as when she’s sad or wants something. But you know what? She usually gets what she wants.

What does that mean? What does it mean that a total brat can get when she wants because she asks for it, while me, a fairly well-behaved person who waits never really gets anything. Or when I do ask for something, I just feel guilty all over. Who is better off? Should I start behaving like my sister then? Everyone seems so concerned with her happiness and wants and life. I think everyone just assumes that I know what the hell I’m doing and that because I don’t stomp around the house I’m okay.